I don’t mean to offend anyone with this, by the way. If you’re a bit touchy about these things, then you probably shouldn’t read the rest of this post.
Let’s say that a certain interviewer was forced to interview the devil. Here’s what I think it would be like:
I: Hello, mister… Devil, is it? I am here to ask you a few questions. Is that all right with you?
D: Why of course, mortal. I will be sure to delight you with absolutely devilish answers.
I: Okay, so first of all, how does it feel to live in Hell and torment the trapped sinners?
D: The place I call home is that burning pit of despair called Hell. I have lived there longer than you can possibly imagine. I have come to enjoy staying there. It is wonderful place to watch the wicked boil in pools of lava and beg for mercy, only to be tortured even more. Yes, that is my job, you see. It is so much fun to hack and slash at the fools bound in Hell. The best part though is that they have absolutely no way to escape! How fun is that?
I: I don’t think I can relate to that, but it seems you enjoy it. How does one end up in such a terrible place anyway? Is there some sort of qualification?
D: To begin with, everyone us qualified to be dragged down to the depths of Hell and be mutilated by me. Everyone is a sinner, and when I say that, I mean it. That’s the good part of it. Well, good for me anyway. The sad part is that they can receive a so-called gift that will allow them to elude my grasp. It brings me great anger to see them receive it. The gift of salvation from my burning palms, given by this one they call God. It is such a pity that I can’t just grab all of them and bind them in Hell for all eternity to be roasted alive.
I: How many people are already your playthings in Hell?
D: There are a countless number of people in Hell with whom I can toy with, and there are many who are on their way there right as we speak. I look forward to introducing them to my collection of pitchforks and my lesser demons. I’m sure that they’ll enjoy being stabbed by a million stakes repeatedly for years on end.
I: Alright, let’s take a detour for a moment. What are your likes and your dislikes?
D: I am the embodiment of evil, therefore I love all that is wicked and resent all that is just and good. It simply pains me to watch those idiots grow closer to the one named Christ. I delight in them of course when they commit all those sins that I love so much. I would gladly take them with me back home and allow my dog to chew on their flesh. Other than that, I also love tennis. It’s good for building strength in my right arm.
I: Okay then. This is the last question. Do you think that the people are safe from you the way they are now?
D: Those foolish men walking about on Earth are all to perish. That much is sure. And as long as they do not turn towards the one called Christ, I will be free to do what I will with them. I prefer it to stay that way. Many of them will fall at my hands the way it is now. I will take great pleasure in eternally tormenting them all.
I: Thank you for your time, mister Devil.
D: The pleasure is all mine.